Government Officials as Vegetables (or Fruit)
A Hot Pants Farming Club Imaginary Journey
Editor’s Note: These comparisons are meant to be satirical and somewhat fun (and imaginative). Please take it as such and peek with me!
Though we still have quite a way to go, we’ve finally made some noticeable progress in our hurricane clean-up and repairs. As we moved trees and other debris off of some of our badly damage growing beds, we noticed that more of our crops have survived than we originally thought — some even thriving.
This afternoon, as I gingerly stepped around blocked pathways and tangles of branches, I had a little private fun imagining each of our currently prominent government officials taking on a vegetable or fruit which suited their personalities and countenance.
This photo might bring up some memories. I don’t know about you, but I loved watching Veggie Tales with my kids when they were little.
This is the kind of think I most often keep to myself — sharing only with the DS, if that *wink*, but here goes:
Joe Biden — Stewed Cabbage. I chose stewed cabbage as opposed to fresh because Biden is way past his freshness date. Cabbage characteristics:
Surviving not thriving - Cabbages can grow in less-than-ideal conditions. They can survive well enough, but don't exactly thrive or shine.
Layers with nothing much inside - Like an onion, a cabbage has lots of layers. But, unlike an onion, it doesn’t pack a dramatic punch or strong personality. Peeling back the layers of a cabbage doesn’t reveal much that’s surprising. They’re a bit one-dimensional.
Simple in appearance - Cabbages have a very plain, everyday Joe kind of look. If a cabbage were a person, it would be one — just like Sleepy Joe — with a simple, somewhat blank expression, always looking a bit lost.
Dull minded — Like Joe, a cabbage personified would be slightly clueless, often finding itself a bit out of its depth and certainly not one you’d turn to for brilliant ideas or quick wit.
Karine Jean-Pierre — Eggplant. I chose eggplant for Karine, specifically the fairytale variety. Fairytale eggplant characteristics (See a picture below):
Versatile and adaptable - Karine embodies these characteristics each time she talks to the press corps. She just adapts to whatever her handlers told her to say and loves made up stories (hence the fairytale variety).
Spongy interior - The eggplant’s seedy, spongy interior seems akin to Karine’s mushy intellect and seedy character.
Look at me, look at me - The fairytale eggplant, were it a person, would be the type who wants attention and admiration for its specific variety (ex. race) and its choices (ex. sexual preference), even though neither of these are remarkable.
Kamala Harris — Malabar spinach. This variety is the do-anything-to-get-ahead vine of the plant world. Malabar spinach characteristics (pictured below):
From Malabar India - I’m not sure what part of India Kamala’s parents come from, but this spinach hails from Malabar.
Relentless climber - Like Kamala, this spinach vine always reaches upwards, clamoring for new supports to gain ground and expand its reach.
Grows all over the place if unrestrained - As the vines continue their scrambling for support, they eventually resemble a tangled mass of greenery with no true direction. They intertwine with other plants (or, in Kamala’s case, men of higher status) and structures.
Great in salads - This spinach holds up in a salad. It doesn’t wilt like conventional (non-Indian) spinach and if it could speak, it’s language would be meaningless word salad.
Donald J. Trump - Jalapeño pepper. Jalapeños, especially the “el jefe” variety, are badass, big flavor, and intense. El Jefe jalapeño photo and characteristics:
Yuge and fiery - These oversized jalapeños pack a punch that will enhance any dish bigly. If it were a person, it would be the type who loves to challenge himself and others, never backing down and always pushing the limits.
Bold and fearless - With their bold flavor and vibrant green color, jalapeños are anything, but shy. Like DJT, they embody the confidence and fearless attitude that walks into a room and immediately commands attention.
Thrives under pressure - Jalapeños grow best in hot climates and can withstand intense heat. Trump has proven that he can thrive under pressure and continue to be his best when the heat (ex. lawfare) is on.
Health benefits and strength - Jalapeños are known for their health benefits, including boosting metabolism and providing a good dose of vitamins. Trump may not directly affect Americans’ physical health, but he has what it takes to boost the economy and stand up to foreign adversaries with strength.
JD Vance - Mango. The charismatic and sometimes sharp delight of the fruit community. Mango photo and characteristics:
Bright and inviting appearance - Mangos have a bright, smooth exterior that catches the eye. As a person, a mango would have a magnetic personality and a positive, uplifting presence.
Tropical and exotic - Mangos are often associated with tropical, exotic locales. JD Vance’s wife provides the exotic, tropical flair to his persona.
Sweetness with a hint of tartness - While predominately sweet, mangos often have a slight tartness, which adds complexity to their flavor. This suggests a person who, while generally calm and pleasant, has a bit of sass and spunk (ex. comments about bitter cat ladies). Vance isn’t afraid to speak his mind and can handle life’s challenges with class and a touch of boldness.
Resilience - Mangos are incredibly resilient in their native climates and can withstand tough conditions, while still managing to thrive. This mirrors Vance in that he faced significant challenges growing up and in young adulthood, but emerged stronger and determined, leading to success in both career and relationships.
Barak H. Obama - Artichoke. The artichoke is the deceptive sophisticate of the vegetable realm. Artichoke photo and characteristics:
This is a photo of the artichoke bloom!
Layers of complexity - An artichoke features many layers that one must peel back to get to the heart. Like grifter and criminal Barak Obama, artichokes present a complex facade, hiding their true intentions beneath layers of sophistication and charm.
Prickly - Artichokes have tough exteriors that are challenging to navigate. Criminals like Obama (and his wife Michelle) have the hardened, prickly nature of a sly criminal who has developed a protective outer shell to avoid detection and protect his dark secrets.
Hidden core - At the center of an artichoke lies the tender heart, but reaching it requires effort and patience. This is akin to uncovering the true nature of a notorious white-collar criminal, which often involves peeling back the layers of deception and manipulation to reveal the core of their shameful, fraudulent activities.
Beautiful bloom - Once an artichoke matures to display its showy, beautiful bloom, it’s no longer edible, its delicious heart and tender inner leaves no longer accessible. Like the beautiful bloom, once out of the public eye, a high profile official engaged in self-serving crimes often appears respectable and esteemed in his community, masking his illicit activities under a veneer of success and propriety.
Please share your own veggie or fruit comparisons in the comment section!
Great. Mangoes are now weird. Thanks a lot.
Just stay away from broccoli . . .
Nice...lol. This will weed your Substack garden very nicely. Well done. Although I think some fruit or vegetables would be highly offended, if they had feelings, like bell peppers. You know...that screaming face when you cut them in half? Hurts some more than others. Bell Peppers are known as "the vegetable with big feelers".