Declaring War on the Toxic Food Empire

How RFK Jr. Could Become a Different Kind of War Hero

Ah, the food system. It's like humanity's own personal Vogon poetry - complex, confusing, and leaves you feeling a bit queasy.

Image: Me trying to get over my queasiness by taking in the heavenly fragrance of angel trumpets.

Picture this: our food is so processed, it has practically become the culinary equivalent of a cybernetic organism, with more artificial intelligence than actual nutrition. We're not eating food anymore; we're consuming figurative data packets, where "flavor" is just a glitch in the system (or a method of foolery), and "nutrition" is a myth told to scare children into eating their vegetables, which, by the way, are probably genetically modified to glow in the dark – or worse.

Enter Our Food System Superhero: RFK Jr.

Now, imagine RFK Jr. swooping in like a caped crusader with a PhD in Nutritional Conspiracy Theories. He declares war on the "Toxic Food Empire," armed with nothing but his charisma and a giant magnifying glass to scrutinize every ingredient label and various farming techniques.

Here’s a meme from X depicting how I imagine RFK Jr. when unsuspecting junk foodies do their thing.

He's out there, chasing down food dyes, hidden sugars, and seed oils like they're the culprits behind all societal ills (and that’s probably right), vowing to ban anything that doesn't sound like it belongs in a forest or on a regenerative, permaculture farm.

In he gets his way, schools serve only organic, locally-sourced, free-range, gluten-free, non-GMO, vegan, paleo, keto, and whatever-the-next-diet-trend-is meals, prepared by Elon’s robots because, let's face it, humans can't be trusted with such purity. He'd have chickens roosting in the White House, bees making honey in the Capitol, and a national campaign to rename "ultra-processed" to "ultra-heretical."

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Got Raw Milk? If It’s Not Raw, It’s Not Real

But here's where it gets really unhinged: he decides the best way to detoxify the nation is by replacing all processed foods with... raw milk. Yes, raw milk for everyone, from the babies to the centenarians, because in this new world, if it's not raw, it's not real.

Image: We get our raw milk and other raw dairy products from a local dairy. I use the raw heavy cream to make our own butter.

He'd have milk fountains on every street corner, with signs saying "Drink me, I'm your freedom!" And suddenly, America's health issues are solved because, apparently, raw milk has magical healing properties, like it's the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster of dairy products.

So, there you have it – a food system so broken it's almost art (the bad modern kind), and RFK Jr., not just fixing it but reimagining it into something so stunning and gorgeous, you'd think you've fallen down the rabbit hole into a world where nutrition is more about the adventure than the mad science.